The Spiritual Benefit of Hitting a Wall – Why It’s So Good
Earlier this month I ran my fourth marathon. Around mile 18 I hit the wall.
Whether or not you’re a long distance runner, every pastor and every leader has experienced what it’s like to hit a wall. This expression describes the moment late in a race when one feels like they cannot go on, that their strength is gone, that it’s just too much.
What you should do in that moment—double down, take a break, walk away—is a subject for another day. For now let’s focus on the experience.
The wall itself.
And the spiritual benefit of running into it.
Hitting the wall as a pastor feels a lot like hitting the wall as a runner. Except as a leader, the pain lingers much longer.
Once when I hit the wall as a pastor, I thought a vacation would rejuvenate me. It always worked before.
But this time I returned from vacation depleted. Mentally taxes, spiritually burdened, emotionally spent.
Not good.
Hitting the wall is always a bit of a surprise. It’s easy to ignore warning signs, press on with what we’re doing, and assume everything will straighten itself out.
But then comes the dreaded moment, when your body, your mind, your soul screams a single word.
Enough.
I can’t go on. I’m not making any progress. I’ve had it.
That’s it.
Hitting the wall creates lots of opportunity for second-guessing.
In a race you find yourself asking if you started too fast, if your nutrition plan was accurate, if you hydrated adequately.
If you’re a leader the second guessing might look more like this:
- Are people following my leadership? Did I misread their actions?
- Where did I put too much time and attention? What responsibilities suffered? And why didn’t I adjust my priorities sooner?
- Why are my efforts not as fruitful as I’d like?
All of these questions may lead to this one: can I go on?
Before we answer any of those important questions—and yes, when you hit the wall you should take time to address these and more—let’s acknowledge a counterintuitive reality.
Hitting the wall is a gift.
It never feels like a gift, mind you.
Hitting the wall is painful in every conceivable way. And for most of us as soon as we hit the wall, we begin searching for a way to relieve the pain as quickly as possible.
But consider what a gift it is come to the end of yourself.
Here are three ways hitting the wall is a gift, and the response the gift is meant to provoke in us.
1. Hitting the wall introduces us to ourselves.
I’m paraphrasing someone here (maybe Einstein?) who said, “Adversity introduces a man to himself.”
One great value of hitting the wall is that we open a window into who we really are, what we really believe, how we really operate.
Filters are not just for social media. All of us live with filters—on what we do, what we say, to whom we say what we’re thinking, and so forth. Now that’s good for a peaceful society and keeping your job and avoiding jail time.
But a funny thing happens when we hit the wall. The filters get swept away in the tide of adversity.
And what’s really going on inside bursts into view.
We can pretend it’s not there, we can point the finger at others and blame them for our troubles, we can tell ourselves that’s not who we really are.
But the only person we’re fooling is ourselves.
Who we are when we hit the wall is who we really are all the time. Not an aberrant version of ourselves under stress. Adversity peels away our masks and invites us to see us as we really are.
What should I do?
When we’re exposed like this, our inclination is to cover up and hide. But that is the path of self-deception, and there’s neither life nor freedom there (see 1 John 1:5–2:2).
The response God intends to catalyze in us is honest reflection. That may include confession and repentance, but it just as likely includes dealing with past shame or the wounds from a distant trauma.
Perhaps we act the way we do because we swallowed a false narrative about our lives that we’ve chosen to believe is true. Or perhaps we found a coping mechanism that made life work for us, until it didn’t.
When hitting the wall introduces you to yourself, I suggest taking some time alone to reflect on what you see in yourself—what you’re most proud of, what you’re least proud of, what factors internal and external have contributed to making you this way.
In the passage above the apostle John gives you the freedom to meet yourself as you really are, without fear or guilt or shame.
Start there.
2. Hitting the wall makes us question everything.
There’s nothing like hitting the wall to make you ask, How did I end up here?
We retrace our steps wondering where we got off track. We relitigate old decisions and imagine what might be different if we had gone another direction. We might even try to undo a past misstep and fix things on the fly.
In other words, we begin to doubt.
Doubting our choices. Doubting our wisdom. Doubting our beliefs.
Doubting yourself.
Good leaders live with more doubt than you might realize. So you’re not a bad leader because you question yourself.
The specific challenge that arises when you hit the wall is that you question everything.
And that can feel overwhelming.
What should I do?
This is a dizzying place to be. No one knows when the wall will appear—otherwise we wouldn’t hit it! And when we do, we can find our minds and hearts so full of questions that we feel like we are spinning out of control.
If you’ve hit the wall and you’re questioning everything, I can think of nothing better than targeted conversations with someone you know and trust.
For some of you that person may be your pastor. But if you are a pastor the dynamics of your church might make it difficult or impossible to share your doubts with someone in the congregation, even if they’re a pastor too.
Hitting the wall is a great time to bring in a coach who can help you to address the many questions you’re asking and to see your way forward.
The first time I hired a coach it was precisely for this reason.
And he was a Godsend.
Which brings me to this:
3. Hitting the wall brings us face to face with the living God.
When we’re at the end of ourselves we tend to look up.
If you need proof, just read the Psalms.
The psalter is a beautiful yet stark mix of earthy chaos and divine majesty, often in back-to-back verses.
Just as our filters have disappeared in the face of adversity, so too our false notions of God wither and fade.
And in our pain we see the one true God—the Incomprehensible, the Inscrutable, the Invisible, the Glorious.
Note, however, we’re not always happy to see him. (And if we’re not, we should be honest with him about that.)
After all David isn’t the only one who asks, “What is mankind that you are mindful of them?” Whereas the great psalmist rhapsodizes over God’s intricate gaze, when you put the same question in the mouth of Job, it comes across more like, “Stop pestering me!”
Sometimes that’s just how we feel.
Regardless of whether we’re interested in seeing him or not, hitting the wall brings you to your Creator.
What should I do?
When you come to the end of yourself and find yourself face to face with the God who is there, perhaps the best course of action is transparent rambling.
That may not sound very spiritual, but it’s the right way to go.
Tell him what you’re going through, in as earthly and real terms as you can muster.
Forget the forms of prayer you’ve learned or taught, and just tell it like it is.
Let it all out. In his presence. Out loud if possible.
And don’t stop. Just keep rambling until you’ve got nothing left to say.
If you follow this suggestion, you may very well feel like you’re headed for big trouble, like you’ve said things that you cannot take back.
Have no fear.
Jesus is big enough to handle whatever you bring him. And his mercy is great.
He doesn’t want a spiffed-up version of you. He wants the real you.
And he is able to bring healing where it hurts the most.
Hitting the wall is never pleasant, always surprising, and a genuine gift. And God has brought you here so that you would meet yourself, find community, and engage him—for real.
What has hitting the wall done for you? How have you found it to be a gift?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Just drop a comment below or reach out to me on the Contact page.